Leadership Step By Step – Exercise #17: Meaningful Connection
For exercise 17 of Leadership Step By Step, I had to have 10 conversations using a script designed to encourage meaningful connection with others. In short, the conversation goes as follows:
- A: What do you like to do outside of school/work/family?
- B: I like to [activity].
- A: I have a friend named [name] who likes to [activity] because [reason], and another friend named [name] who likes to [activity] because [reason]. Why do you like to [activity]?
- B: I like to [activity] because [reason]!
- [Talk more about what B just said using at least two words that person B used in their reason].
I found the formula to be simple and yet very effective! Asking someone about what they enjoy doing is great, but often the conversation just ends there with a “Wow, that’s cool!” By following up with people you know who do the same activity and giving some reasons, it really engages the person you’re talking to and makes them feel like they are being heard and invited to share more. This is miles away from only saying “Why do you like [activity]?” because by engaging them with people you know and their reasons for doing the activity, you’re offering some information that is personal to you, but also still relevant to them. It makes them feel a connection to you. When I did this activity, even if the person I was asking knew I was going through a script, I could tell they felt heard. They felt like I truly cared about their activity (which I truly did in every case!).
The last part was the part I found the most fun and felt like it really offered the K.O. of connection: by using two words they used and elaborating further with anything (why what they said resonated with me, or what made me really feel something about their reason) I really felt like the people I talked to felt appreciated, heard, and understood. This is the part where the smiles happened. Both from the people I asked, and from me!
The great part of using this script was that it really gave a solid foundation on which to have meaningful conversations with people. Admittedly, there were times when using a script felt a little forced. There were times when I wished I didn’t have to follow the script, and times I decided to go off-script. In the off-script attempts, there were times when it felt amazing and freeing and times when it felt like I should’ve stuck with the script. All of the experiences together really solidified why the script is effective and led me to truly understand it. All of the experiences felt like I had connected with someone meaningfully. In my 10 conversations, I did about half of them impromptu, with people who didn’t know I was doing a scripted exercise, and I found those to be exciting and fun conversations. There was a part of me that felt almost tricky or deceptive in slipping the script into a normal, everyday work conversation, and yet, after getting through the conversation, I could tell that in 100% of the conversations, the person I was talking to felt great and more connected to me.
One of the most surprising things I learned is how little we talk about the things we most love to do: in more than half of my conversations, the activity that the person described was one I had no idea they did! And in some cases, I had known these people for years! It felt great to connect with them and to learn more about them. Likewise, when people used the script on me, despite knowing that it is scripted, it did not take anything away from feeling heard and appreciated, and I still ended the conversations with a smile on my face.
In all honesty, this is the exercise that has been the most fun of all the exercises. It was zero-stress and all-joy. I never felt nervous or uncomfortable having the conversations, and doing the exercises felt like a breeze. It also felt like, despite the exercise being so simple, I gained a superpower: the power to make someone feel understood and listened to. It made me start to wonder how I can make all of my conversations feel this way. If the conversation was not about what someone likes to do, can I still make them feel understood, heard, and appreciated? With enough practice, could 100% of my conversations feel this joyful? Probably not, but it’s definitely made me think about what I can do to try.
I have no doubt at all that this conversation (with maybe a few variations that suit me a little better) will be part of my standard repertoire when I talk to people I care about. It’s too fun and meaningful not to include at least once with everyone I care about. It also makes me curious to know how it will tie in with leadership and leading others in the exercises to come and I’m excited for what comes next!
