Anger Addiction Part 2/2

Anger Addiction Part 2/2

This is part 2 of my thoughts on anger: how it can be addictive, and how to help rid your life of it! If you’re interested in reading the first part, check it out here:

Anger Addiction Part 1/2

Anger is a secondary emotion

Last post, I talked about how anger is a secondary emotion: it is always a mask, hiding some other emotion, like sadness, distress, disrespect, fear, frustration, or embarrassment. I’ve found that knowing this is the most powerful tool for dealing with anger.

So now, how do I use that knowledge to improve my mood, decrease my stress, and improve my relationships with people around me?

How does this help me?

To me there are two aspects of anger we need to be able to deal with:

1) The anger you feel and that rises up in yourself, that you release upon others.

2) The anger others feel and direct at you.

Both are devilishly difficult to deal with. Especially in the moment: by definition, when that anger arises in you or someone around you, you (or they) are in a highly emotionally unstable state and it can be really difficult to think calmly.

The next time anger enters your life, whether from your own heart or from someone else’s, try to stop your primal self: the self that wants to verbally defend and attack back. Stop and ask yourself: what’s the underlying emotion? Instead of expressing anger, explore and express the underlying emotion with the other person.

Example Scenarios

Let’s imagine a couple scenarios and see how exploring the underlying emotion can help.

Someone took my stapler

Imagine someone at work, without asking you, took your stapler when you were away from your desk. It was yours. It had your name on it. They didn’t even ask. They just took it. And didn’t return it. Being angry is the obvious response. 

But is it the best one?

You COULD go and yell and confront the person who took it. They may just give it back to you and apologize, but there’s also a good chance they will become defensive, will evolve into an argument, and they may or may not stop taking your stapler. “Why’s it such a big deal? It’s just a stapler. I was going to return it…” Heck, they might even start taking more of your stuff just to spite you.

The better way to handle this situation is to stop and think about why. What’s your underlying emotion? Some examples could be:

• Disappointment that your coworker would do this.
• Frustration that it happened to you and not someone else.
• Disrespect for you and your things.

Any of those are completely understandable underlying emotions to that anger. Try going to your coworker and explain those feelings. I think you’ll find, just as I have, that it’s pretty hard not to sympathize with someone who comes and expresses honest feelings of being disrespected and disappointed or hurt because of your actions. They probably won’t try to attack. It’s far more likely that in this scenario they are going to feel guilty and apologize, and promise to always ask before using your things in future.

If necessary, later on, you can take the office printer out with your officemates and ritualistically destroy it with a baseball bat to relieve stress. (Just kidding. Go watch Office Space.)

That sinking feeling when you forget a date

Jokes aside, let’s do a more familiar or frequent scenario: you forgot about a date. We’ve all been in this scenario: you schedule a day to do something with your friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. and it totally slips your mind. 

You get that message on your phone as your heart drops into your stomach:

“Where are you”

Whatever the reason, whether reasonably justified or not, when you tell them you forgot, there’s a decent chance they’re going to be angry. What’s the best way to handle this scenario? Give you a hint, it doesn’t involve getting angry back.

Sure, you may be able to think of reasons why they shouldn’t be angry at you. Maybe something serious happened that would completely explain the mistake, like the loss of a loved one. Ignore the impulse to get angry back. Take a moment to think about the situation from their perspective:

• They don’t know what happened to you: they’re not fully aware of the situation.
• Maybe you’ve done this before, so they’re frustrated.
• Maybe they had something important they’ve been waiting to talk about you with and this was supposed to be their chance, so they’re feeling disappointed.
• Maybe they have a giant crush on you and you forgetting feels like a massive rejection, so they’re feeling sad.

Do you know which they’re feeling? Probably not. So don’t assume you do. Instead, apologize for what you have done wrong, regardless of the reason: forgotten the date.

If you feel weird asking them how they feel, here’s a tip that can really help dig into their feelings a bit: tell them how you think they feel

“Hey, I’m really sorry I forgot about it…You must feel really disappointed in me.”

Even if you’re way off the mark, you’ve shown that you’re not here to defend or fight, and instead that you care about and want to focus on their feelings. Not about you. They will probably still have steam to blow off and vent, but don’t give up. Try to see if you can explain their feelings every time in your own words.

“Wow, I didn’t realize you felt that way, it’s really frustrating when someone forgets like that. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

Saying these kinds of things will take you down a completely different path than anger will. You will instead be walking a road of compassion, peace, empathy, and harmony, together with another human being, instead of walking down a road of anger, dissonance, and conflict.

What does dealing with anger have to do with sustainability?

I know these last two blog posts have very little to do directly with sustainability and actions that improve our long term relationship with the planet, but there is a connection here: when we learn to empathize and work together with others, especially people who have very different ideas from our own, we cast a wider net of people in our social circle. We bring more people together, even one’s with different ideas. We have to be particularly careful to be respectful and learn how to deal with the anger that can easily arise from discussing opposite sides of an issue. Tackling climate change and sustainability are some of the biggest problems we face, and the less dissonance there is between us, the more we will be able to work together and solve problems. 

I hope this information will help you, as it helped me, to learn to live more consciously of our environment and how we relate to the people around us. This is one part of how I Live ECO.