Anger Addiction Part 1/2
Got anger?
There’s a trend I’ve noticed among people, friends, family, and people on the internet: anger is becoming more and more prolific. Does anyone else out there feel this way? People have always found things to be angry about, sure, but recently I find that it’s been getting particularly bad.
No doubt it has some to do with the increased stress from the pandemic and just an increasing intrusion of the internet into our everyday lives. The internet has been shown to increase polarization (a topic for another day), which results in more opinions moving to opposite ends of a spectrum and creating more “enemies” in our lives as people move to either end of the spectrum, and stress certainly has been shown to increase the chances of becoming angry. That anger, when released, can come with a rush of adrenaline that can make you feel confident and invincible. During times of chaos and disorganization as the world reels from certain events (like a global pandemic or a climate emergency), anger can be a stable pillar of strength that helps us escape from the feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and despair.
Anytime you feel akin to Bruce Banner, it’s time for an emotional tune-up.
I should mention, I say this based purely on my own experience and speculation and I have no scientific grounding in which to believe this is true. But I can say this: not only have I observed increases in anger in many relationships in my life, but I’ve felt it myself as well. I understand where those feelings come from. Being angry can feel good, in a way. Bursting out, yelling and stating your opinions like they’re the only ones that matter can make you feel empowered. By being angry all the time you can start to feel an odd sense of confidence. But I also find those feelings ultimately come at a cost. A cost to your relationships, which no longer grow, flourish, and deepen over time, but wither and possibly break. There is also a cost to yourself. I find anger almost universally comes with feelings of guilt later: regret that “I didn’t mean those things I said,” or just general feelings of guilt that you couldn’t have a reasonable conversation and had to resort to anger to get your way.
So how do we deal with this? How do you deal with these feelings that help you feel strong when you’re feeling weak? For me, there is one phrase that I heard from retired ATF investigator and expert on reading body language Janine Driver (good TEDTalk, go watch it):
Anger is a secondary emotion.
Anger is always a result of another emotion. Maybe it’s sadness, maybe it’s disappointment, maybe it’s frustration, or fear. All of these emotions can lead to anger. (Don’t quote Yoda, don’t quote Yoda…)
This sentence changed everything for me: “anger is a secondary emotion.” Think about it. Think about the last time you were angry. Ask yourself WHY. You’re never just angry. There’s always a reason. Why were you angry? Maybe your boss yelled at you and it made you feel unappreciated. Maybe you felt intimidated. Maybe you felt like he completely misunderstood the situation and you hadn’t done anything wrong. And because of that you felt angry back. Or think of a time someone was angry at you, for seemingly no significant reason. Maybe your roommate came home and burst out in anger because you left the ketchup cap off. For the 100th time. While leaving the ketchup cap off is probably not the best of manners, there’s a good bet something else is going on in your roommate’s life that just caused that anger to overflow and burst at you. What was the underlying emotion you or your roommate was feeling that lead to anger?
Sadness? Disrespect? Frustration? Humiliated? Underappreciated? Ignored? Pain?
Knowing that anger is secondary is the most powerful tool I’ve found for dealing with anger. I’ve learned to accept anger as anger. I’ve learned that anger is the outer, ugly face of a more painful, deeper emotion. Anger is a mask.
How do I use that knowledge to improve my mood, decrease my stress, and improve my relationships with people around me?
That’s for next week. Be sure to subscribe to get notified.
That’s my post for this week, thanks for reading! Live ECO, everyone.
